A Day in the Life

Wake up happy, squealing while 'talking' to toys. Quickly turn from smiling to grumpy because breakfast has not been served. Eat breakfast and smear porridge all over hair and furniture.

Commence morning checklist:

• Remove all books, newspapers, magazines, phones and remote controls from the coffee table
• Extract all dvds from the TV cabinet and spread over floor
• Commence play with aforementioned items, drooling on disks, tearing up pages of newspapers and magazines and getting face and hands covered in newspaper print
• Explore house for prohibited items...mum's glasses, mum's lightbulb collection, expensive books
• Grunt excessively while filling nappy
• Optional extras: Vomit on the floor and commando crawl across the mess, smearing it into the carpet. Attempt to stand without holding onto anything, then fall, knock head and cry. Possible repetition of previous item.

Nap. Wake happy and 'talk' to toys. Eat toast and smear vegemite over clothing and general vicinity. Commence day's activities.

A good day: Go to the shops (bonus points if this involves sitting in a shopping trolley). Meet up with mum's friends and gawk at people in a cafe for an extended period. Swim lesson, bike ride or lay under a tree on a windy day. Point out "dada" to any person who rides a bike, motorbike or wears a suit. Watch dogs.

A bad day: Watch mum try to clean the house, do gardening or generally catchup on emails or the blog. Listen to mum talk incessantly on the phone. (Ways to thwart aforementioned activities include consistent whingeing, crawling behind mum crying "mama", "mama", "mama" ad nauseam. If that fails, cry loudly and allow snot to escape down face).

Commence evening checklist:

• Latch on to mum's clothing as she attempts to prepare your dinner
• Smear pumpkin, broccoli, pasta or other such dinner delicacy over the vicinity paying particular attention to up nostrils and over hair
• Sit at window awaiting dad's return
• Splash majority of bath water over either parent and on floor
• Crawl all over couch and parents speaking gibberish for up to an hour
• Listen intently to book while attempting to rip pages
• Scream blue murder when either parent attempts to put you to bed. (Continue screaming for up to 40 minutes with additional emphasis obtained by standing up in the cot).
• Sleep through until morning and start again